Game Over

Today is CD1. There's no ambiguity today.
Oh, and a BFN on a FRER, too.

Beta is still tomorrow. Like we all don't already know the obvious.

I'd like to talk them out of the repeat beta on Friday. Unlikely, tho.

2 more sleeps

Until the beta. I have my suspicions. The stark snow white peesticks are a hint. So is the spotting. So is the complete lack of any other kind of symptom... of ANY variety.

But I still have to do the PIO shots, and I still have to wait.

And wait...

and wait for the worst.

How does one 'move on' after this? After the loss of any hope of a biological child of your own? Loss of the child/ren we don't have. After ALL of this. There's still nothing. It's just so exhausting.

(btw, if you haven't dealt with IF personally, I am not particularly keen on hearing your advice at the moment)

nothing

It's still early. Today is still only 11dpo. Which might explain why the peesticks only have one line on them.

Or it could be negative.

But just for the sake of conversation, let's say it's just simply too early. Right. Exactly. That's it. Mmm hmmm.
So tomorrow is 12dpo, it could be + then. With my past two pregnancies I didn't get a BFP until 13dpo. But I've also heard that you get earlier BFPs with multiples. And there are 3 little ones in there, right? Right! Exactly! I'm a bit conflicted on how I feel about testing early. The snow white - is crushing, so why test? Because it COULD BE POSITIVE. That's why. It could be.
There's that damn hope again.

I don't think I'll test tomorrow.

In other news, my progesterone (pregnancy supporting hormone) level came back very low. They like to see it above 15 on an ovulatory cycle, over 20 on an IVF cycle. Mine was 14. So now my PIO shot dosage is doubled to 1cc each night. Fun.

I'm nervous about the beta on Wednesday. I'm afraid it's Game Over. I think a - beta right off the bat is better than a + beta that doubles, lingers, then drops... or even worse, seeing a heartbeat, then nothing. They're all degrees of awfulness. I am very much aware that a + beta doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. This entire process is one long step after another (with shots inbetween each step, for good measure, of course), and at any point you could be told it's over.

I've heard that some people go to the hospital and come home with a baby 8 months after doing this. I just have a hard time believing that that could be us.

killing time

This is because there's only so much I can do talking about waiting... and waiting... and waiting some more...

So here's a Meme, my friend M and I love these. They're good for killing time, even if it's only 10 minutes.
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Ok..here's an All Play for everyone who wants to participate, either on your own blog or here in the comments. And please participate, it's *SOMETHING TO DO*!

Just cut 'n paste the list and then answer each question with only ONE word. I've done it below:

1. Where is your cell phone? somewhere
2. Relationship? married
3. Your hair? red
4. Work? yup
5. Your sister? none
6. Your favorite thing? kitties
7. Your dream last night? short
8. Your favorite drink? coke
9. Your dream car? paid
10. The room you’re in? man
11. Your shoes? off
12. Your fears? looming
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? done
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? D
15. What are you not good at? time
16. Muffin? blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? baby
18. Where you grow up? ohio
19. Last thing you did? ate
20. What are you wearing? cotton
21. What aren’t you wearing? prada
22. Your pet? shedding
23. Your computer? MacBook
24. Your life? untimely
25. Your mood? impatient
26. Missing? baby
27. What are you thinking about right now? duh!
28. Your car? uncreative
29. Your kitchen? nice
30. Your summer? uneventful
31. Your favorite color? most
32. Last time you laughed? awhile
33. Last time you cried? hmmm
34. School? done!
35. Love? him

DeLurk! Take my Poll ! ---------------->

I know I have some new readers out there (Hi Lori, nice-nurse-Jan, Dad, among others) so I'd like to take a moment to harass you all to take my poll over on the right side of my blog. It's just for fun, I promise!

BETA is 1 week from tomorrow and not a moment too soon... sometimes it would be nice to work FT, more doing and less thinking. :-)

But then again, this whole possibility of multiples has thrown a huge loop in my much planned plans. Two (or three?) names, two (or three!) nursery sets, middle names, car seats, high chairs... everything! And here I had almost had my coordinating stroller and Vera Bradley diaper bag pattern picked out. *sigh* Back to square one until otherwise notified.

Time Stands Still

This 2ww couldn't possibly go any slower. The bedrest (couch rest) was SLOW... and the time today has been going just as slow. Though it is markedly nicer being able to go outside, walk dogs, and get out of the house.

Tick tock, tick tock.

D made me promise not to test until Sunday b/c we have plans on Saturday night and if it's a BFN on Saturday he doesn't want the whole weekend to be 'ruined'. We'll see... ;-)

Does anyone have any 2ww symptom stories to tell for me to obsess about?

The Odds

We were really pleased to arrive at ORM this morning and find out that we not only had embryos to choose from, but that we had SIX! Ok, so the last one was a grade 4 and lagging behind a little, BUT STILL...
Today's embryo tally:
3 8 celled grade 2 embryos
1 6 celled grade 2
1 6 celled grade 3
1 4 celled grade 4

Of course you're wondering how many we transferred. Details, details!
We put back the 3 8 celled grade 2 embryos. Per Dr. Williams suggestion. He said he was on the fence between 2 and 3, but since we had had a failed cycle before, he'd lean towards 3. So there you go.
Then he added that there was a 1 in 6 chance of triplets. Hmmm... Complication....

We'll just hope for one nice sticky bean and see what happens. Oh! When the RE was putting the embryos in, one of the little buggers didn't want to come out of the catheter, so then he had to do the whole process again. Mildly annoying, but when I'm in stirrups, I'm not exactly going anywhere, so who am I to complain?

Coming up: progesterone bloodwork on 7/25 and then the much anticipated BETAs on 8/1 and 8/3.

Now featuring AH!

This morning's report was still relatively good:
1 2 celled grade 1 embryo
2 2 celled grade 2 embryos
1 6 celled grade 2 embryo
1 4 celled grade 4 embryo

One didn't divide, but could still catch up.

The embryologist did recommend doing Assisted Hatching because of the thick zonas on some of the eggs. If it'll help the cause, go right ahead! There is a small increased chance of identical twins with AH, but we're talking 1% here. I'm NOT worried.

We're still on for a 3 day transfer tomorrow morning at 9:25am.

Fert Report!

The numbers are definitely better than last time.
12 eggs retrieved
10 mature
10 ICSI'd
6 fertilized

We're doing a 3 day transfer on Saturday July 21st and they'll call again tomorrow morning with a report of how the embryos are developing.

I did ask if she had any observations about the egg quality since that was definitely an issue last time. She said that there were 2 distinct groups of eggs- quality wise, poor and moderate. The poor group had very dark zonas (you all can google that one) but overall she said they looked like the eggs of "a much older woman". With that said, she said some from each group DID fertilize. We'll know more tomorrow.

Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers, we're hoping for some good embryos to transfer on Saturday... and perhaps even some left to freeze? Wow, look at that optimism!

ER Report!

The retrieval went really well this morning. The whole 'surgery' took about 15 minutes, and it was only painful-painful for about 20 seconds of that. The rest was a bit crampy w/ two jabs (think shots) when they went for each ovary.

The grand total number of eggs collected: ELEVEN !!!!!

Things are looking up.

The embryologist will call in the morning with the fert report and when the ET will be. Probably sometime this weekend tho.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm planning on spending the rest of the day on the sofa with my little dogs and cats.

maybe, maybe not

I might be triggering tonight. I might not... I am still waiting for the phone call from nice-nurse-Jan with the instructions. Just in case, I ordered more drugs to be overnighted since tonight is the last of the current supply.

I promise I'll update when I have something more constructive to say!!!

******* UPDATE*********
Triggering tonight w/ 10000 units of HCG. ER is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 10:20am. We need to be there by 9am. Fun fun!

wash, rinse, reorder, repeat

We're still in a holding pattern. The eggs are growing. STILL. Next appt is Monday AM, and the meds will need to be reordered AGAIN. The 1st reorder will run out on Monday AM.
L ovary still has the cyst and 2 egglets. The R side has "lots". That was Dr S's exact word. Really.
ER on Wednesday at the earliest. Ugh.

You gotta see it

to believe all the drugs I've been using during this cycle! Oh, and as I said in the previous post, I ran OUT. Another shipment is en route.

a snail's pace

Well, everything's still cooking in there. SLOWLY, but surely. The u/s this morning showed 2 maybe 3/4 on the L, and my lovely POS cyst is bigger at almost 2cm. On the R we have a serious group of grapes. I'm voting 8 or 10 on that side. They were all in the 15-17mm range. For a 'normal' IVFer that would be cause for a trigger shot. Lucky me gets to stim for a couple more days b/c so many of mine were immature the last go around.

Next appt is Saturday am., and hopefully I can trigger on Sat for a Monday ER.

There has to be an end in sight, these egglets can't ook in there forever, right?

Oh! My E2 is a respectable 987 (something like that, I think). I need to post my meds pic, so the next statement will seem more impressive. I will run out of meds today! More are en route from the pharmacy compliments of overnight shipping.

The sheer quantity required by my body to actually do *anything* is rather impressive. Not in a good way!

Where'd that come from?

Hope... out of left field... (same place those mysterious 8 follicles came from!).

I've got it.

I realized it last night when I was looking on BabyStyle for crazy overpriced trendy baby gear.

It better not get crushed again.

I have hope.

miracles happen

Well, I stand corrected. Apparently follicles can just grow out of nowhere. I had 10, yes TEN wonderful little follies this morning. I haven't heard back from the nurses on what's next, or what my E2 # is.
*update*
E2 is rising steadily at 480ish. Next appointment is Thursday AM. I'm assuming the follicles can't just disappear at this point, right? I think the ER will be on Saturday morning. Let's just focus on that. After the ER I'll start the obsessing about 2, 3 or 5day transfer.
Keep your fingers crossed for GOOD egglets this time!

nervous

Well, I'm nervous about tomorrow's appointment. I'm afraid I'll still only have 2 or 3 follicles. Really, how could 8 more follicles just show up out of nowhere? I just don't see it happening.

What is happening is the accupuncture. I actually fell asleep during today's session. I was pretty darn relaxed afterwards. How little needles and some magnets can do that, I have no idea.

too soon? maybe.

Today was the first u/s of this cycle to monitor follicle growth. The results were not good in my humble Dr. G*ogle educated opinion. The cyst on the L was still there, but a little smaller. No other follies were seen on the L ovary. The R ovary only had 2 11-12mm follicles. Estrogen level was good at 118.

Last cycle at this point I had 10 follicles so things aren't looking all that promising. The super nice nurse said it was too soon to jump to conclusions and things could still take off. (mm hmmm.. yeah... ok....)

My next appt is Monday at 8am.

Could this cycle actually be cancelled? That would be a new twist.